My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
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HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
I’m about to risk it all
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.