Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
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Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Human are so complicated
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
eggs benadryl
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
I have obtained a hat