Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
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“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
the official breakfast of 2021
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.