“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
*ernest hemingway voice*
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Pro tip: if you want to get away with one word replies in work emails, just change the signature in your desktop email to ‘Sent from my phone’
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.