[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Saturday
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?