one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
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i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Pizza is an emotion right?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE