“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
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This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
socratic questions
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
This probably isn’t good
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”