Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
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Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.