Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
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Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
6: are snakes just neck?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
These are my emotional support Pringles.
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”