A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking