Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
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Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?