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which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?