My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
You Might Also Like
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
welp
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I’m listening
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I have obtained a hat