Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
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What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
had to share :’)
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube