I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
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nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Its true…
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
#parenting
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.