Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
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I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Indian parents give you unmoanable names so you can focus on studies
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History