Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
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[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.