I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
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People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
Good morning, Twitter 😊