Cndnsd Mlk
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My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
This is true.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.