In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
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My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret