All set.
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[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
me as a parent
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.