Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
You Might Also Like
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
I just love that new Pope smell.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Education is vital
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
fair
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.