Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
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Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Comparing yourself to others
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…