never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
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Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Good morning.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
giddy up Office Depot
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.