satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
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It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?