[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
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[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
For the baby who has everything
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical