How and why my FUR ROOM exists
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Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT