Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
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[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise