Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
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I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Thoughts
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.