Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
You Might Also Like
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
I laughed at this way too hard.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months