mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4