How do German people not choke to death when they talk
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.