Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
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Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so