If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
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COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
This meal prepping shit is easy
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.