I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
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Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*