[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
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I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ