We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
You Might Also Like
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me