Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
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Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?