Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer
spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts