“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
You Might Also Like
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees