Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
You Might Also Like
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.