I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
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Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
This guy’s not having it 😆
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,