Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
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The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Not even remotely sorry.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!