E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
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[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
From Facebook just now…
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.