My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
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My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
Smells like a challenge to me
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father