NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
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I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“i am a sweet baby”
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either