Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You Might Also Like
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse