According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
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Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.