I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
wow he looks just like him
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up