He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
You Might Also Like
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Aaaa…CHOO!
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
what
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”